Norman Grabowski

Sex Kittens Go to College

The Collins College's state-of-the-art computer, Sequential Auxiliary Modulator (S.A.M.) or Thinko, has searched databases for the perfect new science department head. With a photographic memory, thirteen college degrees and fluency in eighteen languages, Dr. Mathilda West sounds like the perfect candidate; however, when the welcoming committee meet her at the train station, they are shocked by her buxom figure and platinum blonde hair, having expected a studious professional.  Dr. West is so stunning that football team captain Woo Woo Grabowski faints, while college dean Dr. Myrtle Carter believes West's inappropriate appearance will jeopardize their research support from the McPherson family. Much to Carter's chagrin, her boyfriend, public relations director George Barton, and Thinko's creator, Dr. Ernest Zorch, are both smitten with the young woman. Meanwhile, French exchange student and aspiring researcher Suzanne spots gangster Legs Raffertino and his oafish sidekick Boomie exit the train and insists that she interview them for her book on the sex lives of American men.  Although their interest is piqued, the men are on a mission to find "Sam Thinko," whom they assume to be a bookie who has been stealing from their boss. Later, college student Jody cuts her bra strap to convince Woo Woo, with whom she is in love, to loan her his fraternity pin to mend it. Although he consents, Woo Woo almost faints when she asks for a kiss and then tells her that she is only his "buddy." Just before West's first class, a jealous Carter sets loose chimpanzee Abraham Q. Voltaire onstage to ensure his antics distract from the lecture. West easily wins the students' attention, though, as she shoots pistols on stage to demonstrate the applied psychology notion of fear. Later, Woo Woo has a therapy session with West to resolve his fear of women, but when she asks about his fantasies, he warns her that his thoughts involve an affair with her.  Soon after, science professors Towers and Watts, anxious to flirt with West, invite her to a "meeting" at the Passion Pit nightclub that evening. Meanwhile, Legs and Boomie, disguised in college letter sweaters, find Zorch at the computer lab, accuse him of being "Sam" and "muscling in" on their boss's operation, then knock him out. Later on the football field, West's presence as a spectator is such a distraction that Woo Woo misses a pass and Barton suggests that West stay away from the players for the sake of the game. Meanwhile, Jody jealously calls West a menace and tells her that she loves Woo Woo, but cannot compete with the sexy professor.  That night at the Passion Pit, while Watts and Towers are entertaining West, Suzanne, the club's photographer, loans Carter her sexy work clothes as a disguise so that the dean can spy on benefactor Adm. Wildcat McPherson and Barton, who are also meeting there. As Suzanne pursues Legs for a rendezvous to report, Carter becomes entangled with the camera straps and accidentally ties herself up with Boomie. Meanwhile, Zorch tells Barton about Thinko's latest confusing printouts showing the next three winners of the Kentucky Derby. Soon after, Barton brings McPherson to the club, where the boisterous man mistakes West for Watt's wife.  Having researched West's past, Barton secretly confronts her about her previous life as the "Tallahassee Tassle Tosser," a striptease dancer. Angered by Barton's insinuation that she cannot teach because of her past, West introduces herself to the rest of the men as the Tallahassee Tassle Tosser, a title McPherson eagerly recognizes. Using one of her old stage tricks, West then hypnotizes Watts, Towers, McPherson and Zorch with a pocket watch and orders them to mimic her as she performs a striptease dance for the club crowd and then hits Barton over the head with a conga drum. Meanwhile, Carter accidentally fires Boomie's machine gun, alerting the police, who arrest McPherson for exhibitionism.  Later at the Thinko lab, West apologizes to Barton and explains that she used her photographic memory, a gift she discovered while performing a mind-reading act, to become a teacher, the noblest of professions. Her good intentions only serve to intensify Barton's crush on West, who demurely returns his loving gaze. Suddenly, Legs and Boomie enter the lab looking for the gambling mastermind. Zorch remembers that he tested Thinko on gambling, but still cannot explain the bets. As Thinko prints out his latest wins in horse racing, the Mexican national lottery and Pan Arab bingo games, a Mexican bookie, an Arab bookie and Bullets, a Mafia bookie, arrive to stop "Sam's" racket. Chaos ensues as a fistfight breaks out between the bookies, professors and students.  Woo Woo, having been prescribed monitored sleep by West, enters the room sleepwalking and flips Thinko's switches until the machine smokes and begins to break down. After waking, Woo Woo explains that he was subconsciously placing bets while sleepwalking, resulting in a series of wins disrupting the other bookie's operations. After using her ingenious skills to help repair Thinko, West resigns herself to returning to her dancing profession. In the meantime, Woo Woo and Jody decide to marry and leave town in a new convertible, purchased with his huge gambling wins. Carter dyes her blonde and exchanges her suits for a sexy wardrobe to snare McPherson, who asks her to marry him. Freed from Carter, Barton steals a fire engine and rushes to the train station, where he proposes to West, who eagerly accepts.