Genii Young

Not Tonite, Henry!

As the result of a serious study conducted by the world renowned Dr. Finzy, certain conclusions are drawn about the average American husband and wife, represented by "Mr. and Mrs. X." Despite being reasonably happy in his marriage, Mr. X chafes under his wife's constant nagging that he should assist in running the household. His only avenues of escape are reading and an occasional beer. Bored by monotonous television programming, Mr. X frequently finds solace at his local bar, a "university of knowledge" where he can mingle anonymously with the crowd.  At the bar, Mr. X indulges in numerous daydreams to pass the time and, considering his relationship with his wife, thinks back over the historical relationships between the sexes. Imagining life as Marc Antony with Cleopatra, Mr. X is dismayed when the Egyptian queen seems more interested in her asp than his attentions. Upon her suicide, he is abandoned to his fate with Roman soldiers. Then, Mr. X imagines himself as Napoleon, ready to strike at Russia until sidetracked by the lovely Josephine, who seems to return his interest. Napoleon then discovers that Josephine is married and has no intention of divorcing her older, shorter husband.  Although Mr. X is beginning to notice a pattern in history's heroes' relationships with women, he allows himself to fall into another reverie in which he is explorer and soldier John Smith, confronting Native Americans. John is soon captured by semi-nude male warriors and held prisoner by nude Indian women. The chieftain's lovely daughter Pocahontas saves John from execution. John's fleeting romance with Pocahontas is cut short, however, when she decides to run off with an older and richer colonist. Dismayed that historical women treat their men harshly, Mr. X thinks about the great romantic pair, Samson and Delilah, but quickly realizes that Delilah only seduced the strong man to steal his powers.  In Renaissance Italy, Mr. X wonders about the infamous Lucretia Borgia. As Ferdinand the Fat, Mr. X imagines marrying Lucretia but becomes deeply suspicious of her motives when she provides him with an elixir. Believing he is about to be poisoned, Ferdinand refuses to drink at first, unaware that the drink is actually a love potion. When he finally does take the drink, Ferdinand, unused to romantic stimulation, merely gets a stomach ache. Back in the bar, Mr. X considers some of the attractive customers but reflects that since caveman days, men have always been dominated by women. Determined to break the pattern, Mr. X returns home to tell his wife that he cares for her but will not stand for further bullying. Mr. X is pleasantly surprised to find Mrs. X waiting in a negligee and forgets to tell her of his new plan.