LORD LOVE A DUCK

From his prison cell, Alan Musgrave dictates his experiences of the previous year, which he dedicated to fulfilling the unending wishes and ambitions of high school senior Barbara Ann Greene. The daughter of Marie, a cocktail waitress sinking unhappily into her forties, Barbara Ann wants every kind of success and for everyone to love her.

Signing a pact with Alan in wet cement, Barbara Ann soon has the 12 cashmere sweaters needed to join an exclusive girls' club. She drops out of school to become the principal's new secretary and gets involved in church activities run by strait-laced but hyper-hormonal Bob Bernard.

When Barbara Ann decides she wants Bob for her husband, Alan facilitates this by keeping Bob's eccentric mother Stella, who disapproves of Barbara Ann, perpetually drunk. Plans nearly go awry when Stella pays Barbara Ann a surprise visit, unbeknownst to Marie that she's Bob's mother, Marie reveals details that contradict what Stella learned previously. Feeling worthless and like an embarrassment to her daughter, Marie commits suicide—although Alan arranges the scene to appear to be an accident for life insurance purposes.

With Marie dead, Bob subsequently marries Barbara Ann. Then she meets producer T. Harrison Belmont, the King of Beach Party Films, and decides to become the biggest star that ever was. Bob refuses, however, to allow his wife to have a Hollywood screen test, so Barbara Ann decides she wants a divorce.

Since Bob's mother frowns upon divorce, Alan takes matters into his own hands to kill Bob. Although Bob proves to be almost indestructible (after several failed attempts ranging from arsenic and belladonna (a.k.a. deadly nightshade) poisoning to a deconstructed automobile and a skateboard slip-and-fall), by graduation time Alan has him in a wheelchair. At the graduation ceremony, Alan pursues Bob with an excavator, apparently killing him and several people on the speakers' platform. Barbara Ann goes on to Hollywood fame in her debut film Bikini Widow, while Alan is sent to prison, dictating that he did it all for love.

Alan attempts to kill Bob Bernard so Barbara Ann can pursue Hollywood stardom; after a series of botched murder attempts, he apparently kills Bob and others at graduation, leading to Barbara Ann's film career and Alan's imprisonment.

The ending cements the film’s darkly comedic tone, showing Alan’s extreme devotion leading to criminal acts and jail time, while Barbara Ann achieves her dreams by shedding all attachments. It underscores the absurdity and hollowness of chasing fame and approval at any cost, wrapping up the satire with a flourish of chaos and moral ambiguity.